Mental Liberations

While I was garnering intellectual knowledge, I've found I was better off attempting to enrich an appreciation and comprehension for the fundamental nature of my acumen and how to stabilize it now. (oh, acumen is a fancy word for mind or thought process). And through this process I've been permitted to dissect my mental dysfunctions. Which has furnished me a sound balanced clear mind. Not to over exaggerate or underestimate thing or issues. Rather, to see them for what they truly are. I investigated the nature of myself like, why and how I act or responded in certain situations. And I realize a contributing factor was the way I was socialized.

My Father is a Vietnam vet, retired from the marines, college educated, extremely family oriented, drug free, with not a blemish on his record. During my younger days he would focus on shaping my identity by instilling traditionally a strong value of morals, respect for others and integrity.

Moreover, drilling an insane competitive nature involving me in all realms of athletic activities. Which we would play on his free time. But when I got in trouble I'd have to run up this big hill with a backpack full of bricks. As I started to mature and age I noticed the change in my molding that was formulated on hard work, principles, achieving goals and the rewards for accomplishing the three. However, I also was exposed to community work. Such as helping people move, wash cars and cut grass for free, even when I didn't want to as an adult hungover.

Now as a kid, my parents did not live together. Yet my father provided for me whether or not I resided with hit. My Mother is a free-spirited, highly religious, creative and beautifully unique individual. Although she was hampered with a semi-physical impairment, Mae-Mae worked, interior decorated homes to supply income, and would jump to help anyone in a less suitable predicament then hers or assist in efforts for individuals better off than my Mea-Mae was in. Which she continues till this day. I'd remember she'd help people that grew up in the neighborhood fresh out of prison with a place to rest their head temporally. She decorated half million dollars homes, churches, and banquet, sometimes for free or at her own expense (of course with promises to pay later). But my observations of individuals on the receiving end gave me a great deal of understanding of the power of giving. Most critical, is that Mae-Mae champions for just making people feel better. Simply put, my Mother would accomplish tasks outside of the conventional norms.

I have a big bro, whom as a kid I looked up to. Who should have been a comedian. I noticed he had many women friends that basically took care of him. To where he and his best friend John Johnson fought over John's girl because she was always sneaking over to see my brother. But as I aged I found my brother had a drug addiction and was very selfish. Consistently looking for the next scam, robbery, or come-up.

I have another bro who I love but hated awfully. Everyday we'd fight physically and for the most part I would come up on the losing side because he was in high school, while I was still in elementary. We'd get into it till I turned about 16.

My sister is a go getter. I noticed she would always live in the nice areas of the city, good jobs, with a strong hustle and surrounded herself around the right type of people. Frog wasn’t living great but was self-sufficient, healthy and raising, well my niece who I believe received the Thurgood Marshall Award and accomplished local print-ad modeling.

My other sis was fascinated by the local thugs and bought into other lifestyles searching for a bailer. Through her relationships I've meet a great deal of influential people, from business owners to killers, including a great man, her late husband, (R.I.P. with the most love a human can give). Unfortunately, I witness the most shocking and also some of the greatest events by rubbernecking around her. (I remember she was being attacked by her baby's father and the Catholics, a couple houses up didn’t want to call the police when I asked for help). By dealing with the wrong kind she lived well better than most and became educated completing her doctrines program.

I’m from San Diego, which is a well diverse area. I lived in a blood gang dominated area where drugs took a big toll on my family and neighborhood. During my younger days roaming the streets, I observed some of my partners just sitting around somebodies garage mad and upset for no reason, yelling who got shot and debating who’s going or needs to be shot, or plotting on some self- destructive, hustling backwards retarded missions. Where by the end of the day, a fight within our crew would ensue.

Everywhere I went with these cats things would always end up bad. I also had other peer agents who either danced, rapped, skateboarded, surfed, rode dirt bikes or played sports. People of all different ethnicities and cultures. My experiences with these agents shaped me into a free-spirt, easy going, funny guy, but unfortunately for me I followed the trends in the urban city culture. I seen people whom worked hard but was always tired. They maintained their material possessions although had no time to enjoy them. On the other side, young people maintaining the equal amount of wealth but had the ability to do what they desired and truly enjoyed what they had. Not to get too much into this but I wanted to work smarter not harder.

I remember a close friend of mine asking me for advice of whether he should work at the family tire shop or sell pharmaceuticals in the underground economy. Well I answered that question for him. To make a long story short I was on!!!!!! But even with those material possessions, street power, women, and influence I was never satisfied. Like something was missing in my life???? So I just did what I thought I was supposed to do.

In hindsight, I recaptured glimpses of happiness but in my eyes I had a mental dysfunction. What I mean by mental dysfunction is the kind of inner-working that does not want to see clear reality and gravitate to over exaggeration or underestimate the caliber of a person or object it perceives. I've found this to always cause problems to arise. Which is derived from the inner workings of the mind, not from the outside source, that may have triggered it. When I look back at my socialization, I was not (as most of us aren’t) programmed to understand myself. I believe we are fundamentally the same. WE WANT SATISFACTION!! Look at our oceans. Waves comes in different sizes 'and shapes. And that’s similar to the different ideas and triggers that make us feel some type of way. Although things that make you mad may not make me but we all get mad. Like the elementary principles that cause the wave at the bottom of the ocean is consistently the same while the waves are different which is parallel to how one is found to end up being mad, sad or happy just arriving to the emotion on different highways. But we instinctively seek satisfaction. When we get cold, what do we do? Find warmth. Whether it be a heater, jacket, or fire. When you’re hot, we all try to find ways to cool down. Whether it be with fans, a cold drink, air conditioner, or ice. Forget about all the ways that one comes about being hot, cold or hungry, rather take point that we all feel the sense of hot, cold and hunger.

Again, we instinctively seek satisfaction. But my temporary happiness cause me to clench on emotionally to the sense world too tough and as a result landed me in faulty situations. It's sometimes difficult to understand the character of attachment. I had no control over myself. I was caught up in my so called "lifestyle" materialistically, psychologically and emotionally. Fasten like a seatbelt to so many objects like a kid in a candy store. These addictive appetites would cause me to unconsciously change my mental states as though I was on a roller coaster ride. That’s what

I call now an unhealthy and mentally ill mind. I still condone in the concepts of capitalism. Acquiring possessions and living a good quality life. So keep all your materialistic properties and continue to make attempts to obtain more in a capitalistic state. Just do not cling onto your possessions with attachment. Because in today’s technical world we can no longer allow what we see, taste, touch, hear, smell, and our ideas control us.

In order to gather control one has to understand how one's mind operates. If you don't you’ll wonder about believing your healthy, when in reality your not. The true derivative of all psychological issues is accumulating within us. Just any minute external phenomenon changing, something insignificant going contrary to your expectations "bang" in a few seconds your completely upset.

Being obsessed with the sense world that blinds us by attachment leads us to not be in control of ourselves. This contributes to a large majority of problems for me because again, I was ignorant to the true nature of my own head.

For instance, when I sometimes would meet certain people I would be skeptical of them. I'd say, "I don't know but it's something about him or her I don't like.” I now know that was not a gut feeling but rather my mental nature conjuring up a similarity between a past negative experiences with the individual I just met. All due to some kind of connecting phenomena whether it’s appearance, characteristics, or the environment of where I was. This dislike was all in my head, and had nothing to do with the individual.

But how come I never allowed myself to divulge into matters about my close associates always failing to actually produce actions that would equate them to being a close friend, family member or girlfriend having my best interest. But I attached myself to the labels I initially had people, evil eyeing this dude for no reason while everything behind my back is crumbling to pieces by my loved ones and people I trusted. It's sometimes difficult to understand the character of attachment. For example, when the first car, plane, and computer was created their intentions, among other things, were to enable the consumer to fulfill undertakings easier and quicker so they could rest. But instead the consumer is more restless than ever. I think the computer was first used by our governments and colleges for math and communication purposes. Then for occupational endeavors, business and consumerism. Our technologies have up graded from the standard desktop to the i-Phone. The advancement in technologies are great, but your connected (busy) almost 100% of your free time. We don’t even spell complete words we use acronyms (even when character space isn’t an issue). Simply put, how do you feel when you don't have your phone?????? Examine your everyday activities in life, and a good deal of us will detect we have conjured up our own world emotionally predicated on attachments.

This denies us freedom and time to see the reality of our own minds. Wonder why kids steal shoes, jackets or dress, walk and talk a certain way? Their constantly bombarded psychological suggestions that these items are necessary for daily life. And if you don’t have the "it" factor, the walk, and the talk, then you’re not complete. That's a difficult situation. This denies us freedom and time to see the reality of four own minds. We wonder why our kids are killing, robbing and stealing. But the better question is why do our youth of today feel it's a justifiable mean to rob, steal, and kill as an end to a solution?

The most important point we all have to understand is desires of these objects come from the mind. When the desire is fulfilled satisfaction and enjoyment arrives from the mind. Then the critical ingredient should follow as evident that the pleasure of satisfaction and enjoyment came from the mind not the external source or object. Meaning, we all can be ultimately satisfied whether we do or don’t acquire the person or object desired. Since satisfaction comes from within us. When you thrive to find satisfaction elsewhere you will always end up mentally uncomfortable searching for the next temporary fake feeling of satisfactory happiness.

I’m not trying to change the world, that's impossible. But rather my mission would be complete if you just think before you unconsciously act or respond. While I’m incarcerated man, I'd love visits from you all, especially from my loved ones every week. I believe that would spike my happy barometer to its peak. Being next to my people, eating good food, having a good time, laughing and of course being next to a woman. Unfortunately, the only problem is I would crave more contact. Which I can’t have but only on the weekends. Now I would be feeling emotionally frustrated. I emotionally attached myself to the visits. Even though without the visits, you all have love for me, I love you all. Most of you write me or drop a line on Facebook, talk over the phone, and come as much as some of you can afford. So why would I make myself uncomfortable. No matter how much of something we get, it never satisfies our craving for better or more.

The basic feelings that frustrates the human intellect are attachment, anger, pride, deluded doubt, disturbed views and ignorance. To rid ourselves and overcome these delusional frustrations (I know this sounds repetitive) we have to understand our nature and investigate our minds.

This is no long calculated, professional quest. After a while it should become second nature. To make this extremely simple, I will use my experience for instance when I would play basketball and I had a great game, I'm praised by my peers. In my head I relive all the great things I did while I’m conversating with them mirroring the same attitude and intensity. Even when I return to my cell, my mind is on cruise control, relieving each event play by play. I feel real good. I may say something to people and my output is joyful—an emotional happy high. So no matter what is going on this positive up-beat attitude is what anyone surrounding me would get.

Oh, but there’s another side of the coin. What about when I have a bad day? How I’m ridiculed, my game is boo-boo and how sorry I am. Now I’m hot, getting into quarrels with dudes on the sidelines, upset, angered and feeling mad. Now when I’m conversating I’m very short and sarcastic. While thinking in my head about the mistakes I’ve made and what I’ve should have done in that moment, victimizing and torturing myself. I try to watch t.v. and out of the blue the rude thought pops in my head of what I should have done in a basketball game.

Well now all that’s over. I decoded and checked my mind and found I was being emotionally controlled based off my performance. Forget about the pleasure / punishment principles. I learned to stay emotionally balanced whether I had a good game and was praised or a bad day and was put down. I stay in control of my mind emotions can't be dictated to. With this way of thinking by buddy realized in less than a day that for the last 20 years his insecurity within all his relationships was due to him visually watching his high school sweetheart sit on the basketball star's lap. By him checking and investigating he was able to find out why he would act out in certain situations in his relationships.

You have to remain cognizant every moment in your daily activities. Being fully conscious of what you are doing, why you’re doing it, and how you’re doing it. Because we almost do everything unconsciously. Vast amounts of work is being produced in our minds that influences

everything we do. But we must stop before we respond to our senses to filter our responses with a clear balanced mind. When we put our hands on a cold stove we instinctively pullback and tap for heat. That’s similar to the control and second nature we’re thriving for in our new awareness. Test yourself, the next time you get upset, don’t divert or stray away by doing something busily. Relax and become aware of what you’re doing. Ask yourself, why I’m doing this? How I’m doing it What’s the cause? Discover and awaken into consciousness, halt from sleep walking through your life and you will find through understanding yourself you can instinctively expedite your problems to live health and well.